I’ve always been something of a type A. I don’t like to start something unless I’m sure I’ll finish – and finish WELL, dammit! – and I have a tendency to get caught up in detail. (There is a correct order to eat peanut M&Ms, a correct way to stack the dishwasher, and don’t even START with me when the light switches are out of sync…!)
Although I’ve chilled out a lot over the years, I’ve never been particularly comfortable with failure, and – like so many others – will often hold myself to a higher standard than I do others. The measure and definition of failure, the anxiety around failure, and the punishment or consequences of failure so often came from myself rather than the world around me.
But of course, no one likes to fail! Spectacularly wiping out is its own kind of success, in a way – if you have a fantastic story of failing magnificently, you’ve at least got something good out of the thing – but I’d guess that it’s a fairly common feeling that just… failing… is unpleasant. Quietly falling short, just fizzling out… sweeping your goal silently under the rug and hoping everyone forgets about it…
UGH.
So, why bring this up? Well, like many of you, I like to try and pause for reflection around this time of year, and this is what I’ve been thinking about. The quiet failures. Don’t worry – this isn’t going to be a faux-motiv-spirational post about how it’s only really failure if you stop trying, or that success is 99% sweaty failure or whatever – if you want that kind of *~~fOlLow yOuR drEamSS!*~~ post, please see Instagram at large, or try my post about stupidity/bravery in the pursuit of happiness. No, I’ve been thinking more about the moments this year when I’ve just… let something go. Quietly stopped striving, accepted that I’m not going to win/beat my target/be better than that other person/whatever and just… failed.
Because here’s the thing – I don’t want to be the kind of person who’s afraid to try, and as we all know from Inspirastagram, fear of failure is one of the most paralysing things out there. When I look back and think about this year, then, this is the theme that I’d like to carry forward into 2018 – being ok with failure. Because if I’m ok with failing, then I’m more likely to try something, and I’m more likely to spend my energy in the right places instead of chasing after a loss.
In this spirit, here are some things I’ve failed at in 2017:
- My self-imposed target of reading 250 books in a year: Here’s the kicker with this one – it should have been possible. What made this failure so hard to accept (about two months ago) is that I was on track for most of the year! At the time of writing, my Goodreads tells me that I’ve read 210 of my 250 book target, and I know that if I had kept pushing, back in September or so, I would have made or even beaten this goal. However, it was around that time, when I had put aside some chunkier books I wanted to read because they would take four days to read instead of one, that I realised reading had stopped being a joy. I was choosing what to read not based on what was interesting or because I just wanted to, but based on how quickly I could finish it and whether I could post about it. I had picked a mad target because I wanted to read more for pleasure, and be inspired to read books I’d never gotten around to picking up, or never heard of before… but I wasn’t reading for pleasure any more! A quiet failure was the better option here.
- Posting regularly on my book blog: Speaking of my insane reading target, those of you who follow my other blog, reading the cereal packet, maaaaay have noticed that my last post was sometime in August. Um… sorry about that… (unless you were getting fed up of the book spam, in which case – you’re welcome!). When I first started posting about the books I read, it was as part of my search for a career in publishing – and it was part of my goal for 2017 to not let that fizzle out once I had settled into my new industry. I took a while to figure out what I wanted my goal to be, but eventually settled on a fairly reasonable and regular schedule – I wanted to post twice a week, on Tuesdays and Fridays, preferably scheduling posts in advance. I managed it for a good long while, but posting about the books, as mentioned above, started to become part of the stress and pressure around reading that I wasn’t enjoying any more. Trying to think of something interesting to say… trying to pick books worth posting about that I could also read quickly if I’d fallen behind my target… spending time writing instead of reading… In August, I decided to take a small hiatus from posting until I’d caught up with my reading target, and that hiatus turned into another quiet failure. The blog’s not dead, but my twice-a-week-in-2017 is!
- Various attempts at relationships: Once again, I have failed to find a !~*~LiFe pArTneR~*!*~~ in 2017. However, since I have also once again failed to settle for a relationship/sort of relationship that would make me unhappy, I see no problem with this one. #sorrynotsorry
And here are some of the positive things that have come out of trying and failing:
- I have read more, and more widely, than ever before, and I failed while I still love to read!
- I have rediscovered my love of crafting (knitting, cross-stitch, colouring in… COME AT ME) – and have time to spend on these things having given up my insane reading target.
- I have met interesting people and learned more about myself and my boundaries.
- I’ve discovered more about what’s important to me, and what my priorities are
- I’ve learned more about how to take care of myself better… hopefully, this will lead to less time spent in hospital in 2018!
Next year, I’m going to keep saying yes to things, and keep trying new stuff. I’m going to fail sometimes – maybe a lot – and I’m going to be ok with that. I’m going to remember what I’ve learned about myself this year, and try to avoid repeating the same mistakes… saving my energy for all the new, exciting mistakes I will make!
What did you fail at this year?
tangled threads of thought 